Hilarious Jokes

humour United States
  • 12 years ago

    Jokes appearing in this thread should be treated only for fun, the intension of author is not to hurt sentiments of anybody.  
    Johnny n Jenny


    Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.


    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.


    Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


    Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two


    live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,


    "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."


    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.


    That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny


    has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.


    After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for


    you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"


    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."


    Mr. Smith faints.............  






    GMike  


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago
    Joney n Mery

    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

    When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

    The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

    The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

    Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

    Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

    The Teacher fainted.






    GMike

    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."
  • 12 years ago


    One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"


    The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"



    The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"


    He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
    won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."


    The 3rd patient arrives; he  looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.


    Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"


    "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"





    GMike


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    There was once a man and his dog, whom were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or something. All he found was a wooden barrel. So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfil his sexual desires.

    One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using. So the two of them used the barrel until they died.

    About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there. One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that.

    However, 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 9 months ago and now I have a baby."

    Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy..."




    GMike  

    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."
  • 12 years ago

    pretty good


    that last one is just wrong tho lol

  • 12 years ago

    Hypothetically Speaking


    A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"


    The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."


    The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"


    The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"


    The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."


    The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"


    He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"


    The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."  





    GMike  


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    Genie in the bottle


    A husband takes his wife to play her first game of   golf.


    Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.


    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your
    lousy drive is going to cost us."


    So the couple walked up to the house and   knocked on the door.


    A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a
    broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken   window.


    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"


    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.


    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for   a thousand years.
    Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."


    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,


    "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."


    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"


    "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants
    in every country in the world," she said.


    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"


    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"


    " Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years,
    my wish is to sleep with your wife."


    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"


    She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"


    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.


    "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.


    After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"


    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.


    "Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"  





    GMike  


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    As the discussion comes to Genie, I would like to share a joke i heard a few years ago. Apologies my poor English if any, Here it goes:


    Three friends were on a voyage. After 2 days their ship struck a small iceberg and sunk. They swim and somehow reached on an island. They were tired, hungry & thirsty. One of them suggested that we should split around and look for something to eat.


    While they were looking for some food one of them found a green bottle. The bottle was sparkling He called others when they rubbed it a Genie appeared and told that “You’ve freed me, I was in prison for 10,000 years”. I’ve three wishes, one for each of you.


    One Friend said, “I am missing my Parents; please take me to my Parents Home”. Genie replied, “Wish Granted”.


    Other One said,”I am missing my children & wife, take me to my home.” Again Genie replied “Wish Granted”.


    Now it was time for the third friend to make his wish. (Other two friends are already been disappeared.) He said , “Genie; I am feeling lonely and frightened here, please bring both of them back.”


  • 12 years ago

    Contributions from other members are most welcome.


    Is it Michael Jackson.


    little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?



    mummy: why god is both girl and boy



    little boy: mummy is god black or white?



    mummy: why god is both black and white



    little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?



    mummy: why god is both gay and strait



    little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?  






    GMike  


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    Geography of a Woman.


    Between the ages of 15 -20 a woman is like Africa.
    She is half discovered, half wild.


    Between the ages of 20 -30 a woman is like America.
    Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.


    Between the ages of 30 -35, she is like India & Japan.
    Very hot, wise and beautiful.


    Between the ages of 35 -40 a woman is like France.
    She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.


    Between the ages of 40 -50 she is like Germany.
    She lost the war but not the hope.


    Between the ages of 50 -60 she is like Russia.
    Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.


    Between the ages of 60 -70 a woman is like England.
    With a glorious past but no future.


    After 70, they become Siberia.
    Everyone knows where is it, but no one wants to go there.





    GMike  


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."


  • 12 years ago

    Q & A


    Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?


    A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop


    Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?


    A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a woman you fix your legs and move your ass


    Q: What makes a happy man?


    A : Daughter on the cover of Vogue; Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated; Mistress on the cover of Playboy; and Wife on the cover of Missing Persons


    Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?


    A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both dissappear at night


    Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?


    A: Because they are tired of using their own


    Q: What's common betwen men and video?


    A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward...backward....forward... stop and eject


    Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?


    A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble


    Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?


    A: A teabag.


    7 qualities to be a perfect wife:


    Beautiful,


    Responsible,


    Energetic,


    Adorable,


    Sweet,


    Truthful


    Self-Organised


    In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S


    Q: Who is a gynaecolgist ?


    A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure





    GMike  


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    Don't Copy If You Can't Paste!!


    Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.


    One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"


    The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.


    About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"


    His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"


    Moral of the story: "Don't copy if you can't paste!!"





    GMike


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.


    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
    Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR DIRECTION. MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

  • 12 years ago

    God's Gifts


    Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.


    "It?s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."


    Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I?d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It?d be so great. When I?m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It?d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."


    Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn?t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.


    "Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What?s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."





    GMIke    


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 12 years ago

    AUSTIN POWERS PICK UP LINES  


    I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
    Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
    Nice legs...what time do they open?
    Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
    You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
    Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
    I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
    I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
    I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
    Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
    I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
    Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
    I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
    Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
    You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    Are those real?
    You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
    I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
    If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
    (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
    You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
    You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
    ** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
    Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
    My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
    Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
    Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
    My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
    Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
    My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
    I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
    If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
    Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
    Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
    Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
    Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
    I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.





    GMike    


    "I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."

  • 11 years ago

    Hi GMike

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

    VERY FUNNY                                                         

    photoI Laughed till I fall from my chair

    Absolutely Hilarious

    Thanks GMike

    WE NEED MORE

    Regards

    DoctorMahdi

  • 11 years ago

    Hi again

    I wanna share this joke with you

                                                 photo

                                           Three men went to hell.

    The devilDevil [6] said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

    He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

    Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

    Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

    Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in *** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

    The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.Coffee [C]

    They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."Big Smile [:D]













    Regards

    DoctorMahdi

  • 11 years ago

                                                         photo

    One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

    The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

    The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

    "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

    The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."







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